"How we treat the child, the child will treat the world."

The other day I saw my seventeen month old great niece toddling around the kitchen, with her toy cell phone up to her ear, babbling away.  That evening a parent in one of my classes told me that she had heard her three year old shouting at her doll to go to time out.  We have only to observe children playing to realize they imitate everything we say and do.

If we want to teach children to treat people with respect we must model treating children, and each other, with respect. Whenever we speak, we are being role models for the children in our presence. Children record every word we ever say to them or in front of them. When we speak lovingly to a child, or each other, we model how to be loving. When we speak disrespectfully to a child, or to each other, we model how to be disrespectful.

The level of cooperation parents get from their children is usually equal to the level of connection children feel with their parents. When adults try to “teach” children by criticizing, lecturing, shaming, ridiculing, giving orders, screaming, threatening, or hitting, it hurts children. When we say things that hurt children we break connection. When we break connection we lose cooperation.

The best way I know to be mindful of teaching children respect through modeling being respectful is to ask ourselves the questions, "Would I speak to my good friend this way? Would I use those words and that tone of voice?" If the answer is no, we are probably modeling disrespect.

The two things young children want most are to be with us and to do what we do. When we give children orders like, "pick up the toys, go brush your teeth, or eat your breakfast," children feel disrespected and disconnected and the level of cooperation drops. When we say, "Let's go brush our teeth, let's pick up the toys, let's finish our breakfast," children feel respected and connected and the level of cooperation increases.

When we treat children with respect everybody wins. We get more cooperation when children feel respected and connected, and children get to learn respect from being treated with respect. We are children's models of how to be a human being. How we treat them is what we teach them.

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