Parenting styles can be one of the most disruptive and destructive issues  for separated households. You know what I mean. Mom likes casual cooking and  casual mealtimes, sometimes cheeseburgers and popcorn in the living room  while she and the kids watch a movie. Sometimes the conversation can get  pretty rowdy -- commenting to the actors, laughing uproariously and sometimes very loudly. Dad always prepares balanced meals, has the children  set the table, and they converse while they eat.Sometimes they speak  animatedly about interesting things that happened in school, other times  they have too much energy to be as restrained as Dad.

Mom thinks Dad is uptight and lacks spontaneity. But she also appreciates how conscientious Dad is about the children's nutrition, she likes how the children try new foods at Dad's, and she likes how comfortably the children behave with adults in social situations. Dad thinks Mom is careless about nutrition and unconcerned about the children's social skills. But he enjoys the children's free-wheeling humor and how comfortable they are interacting with him.

Who's right? They both are. So how can they resolve their differences while they retain their natural parenting styles?

First, they want to do what's best for the children. Maintaining separate households was not the children's choice. The parents realize that they have to parent with the children need rather than what the parents want. They want to disagree and criticize what they see as parenting shortcomings, but they must forego that luxury.

The parents also realize that, when the parents lived together, the children did best when parenting was consistent, dependable, and amicable.

What do I mean by consistent parenting? Children do best with stability. They know that household rules don't suddenly change so that, where yesterday they could get a glass of milk after school, today they are chastised for opening the refrigerator without permission. Adults like consistency, too. You depend on a friend to drive this week for carpool. You get a call that she can't drive. Your morning is off kilter as you scramble to find an alternate driver.

Infants depend on their parents for total survival. We all know how, as they grow, they need us less and less for picking out their clothes and reminding them to brush their teeth. Even when they seem to be independent teens, they still depend on us parents to be a stable presence in their lives. Just as we do, they want to know that their relationship with us is dependable. They trust us to always be where we've always been, doing what we've always done. Suddenly that changes when one parent moves to a different home, the dynamic between the parents changes, economics change, routines change. The children trusted the parent-child relationship. It must remain dependable now.

I admit I know some people who seem to spoil for a fight. Most of us don't. Most children don't like it either, especially between their parents, especially now that the parents are separated, and especially when it's the children parents are fighting over. Clients report that their children miss the other parent but are reluctant go because that parent criticizes the other: "I know you like cheeseburgers, but your mother is ruining your health with junk food." "Your father's such a stick in the mud." The child is caught in the crossfire.

As a parent, I'm steamed that the other parent is making such an issue of this. I truly want my children to be happy. And, if you're a close friend, I'll admit to you that I want my own way. So, what can I do to resolve this issue? I know I need to keep my mouth shut, take time to let my temper cool, and think before I do anything.

I'll end on that thought and resume in the next column. As always, I want to start a conversation between you and me, and among you and the other Bizymoms. Please use this space to share your concerns about parenting styles, both the problems, and your successes.

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