In their book, Parenting from the Inside Out, (Tarcher/Penguin, 2004) Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell present an elegant and refreshingly (to us non-brain-scientists) understandable explanation of brain processes. In our Positive Discipline classes with both parents and teachers of children, this model remains one of the most useful and remembered tools. It’s called “Brain in the Palm of Your Hand.” What follows is a simplified version of Siegel’s model. If you hold up your hand in a fist with your four fingers curled over your thumb and your fingers facing you, this makes what Siegel calls “a surprisingly accurate general model of the brain.” Your wrist is the brain stem, where your brain connects with your spine. Your thumb represents the limbic system as a whole and, specifically, the amygdala—the fight flight part of your brain. The amygdala is also where you store emotional pain, fears, and decisions (inaccurate) that you are not “good enough.” Your curled fingers and, specifically, your fingernails, represent the prefrontal cortex—the only part of your brain where thinking takes place. When experiences create manageable stress, the prefrontal cortex, covering the amygdala, steps in smoothly to exercise rational thinking and the ability to engage in respectful problem solving. To represent what happens when your amygdala is overwhelmed by unmanageable stress, keep your thumb curled and extend your fingers straight up. In our classes we refer to this process as “flipping your lid.” Now imagine that, in reaction to your child or one of your students “flipping their lid”, you respond angrily without thinking (fight or flight). To picture this hold up both hands with thumbs curled in and fingers extended upward and facing each other. (To watch a demonstration, go to www.youtube.com/positivediscipline and click on “Flip Your Lid.” With two flipped lids face to face (yours and your child’s), how much helpful problem solving do you think is happening? Who is listening? When you and your child are in a “flipped lid” state, is this the time to teach or try to solve the conflict? Many parents and teachers try to deal with a behavior problem with a child when they are in the “flipped lid” state of brain functioning. When you understand the brain you realize that this is useless. Children cannot learn anything positive when they feel threatened. They are capable only of fight or flight—even though their fight or flight may be emotional withdrawal or thoughts of avoiding rebellion. Lectures are useless at best and damaging at worst because children in a flipped lid state tune out lectures or take them into their decision making process through the amygdala where they may be deciding to get even, to avoid getting caught in the future, or deciding, “I am a bad person.”
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Dr. Jane Nelsen is the mother of seven children and grandmother to 20 grandchildren. She is also a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Therapist. Visit her on: PositiveDiscipline.com itunes.apple.com/in/app/positive-discipline/id363488035?mt=8"target="_blank">Get the Positive Discipline iPhone App! Get the Positive Discipline iPhone App!