Based on your new understanding of the brain, think about punitive time-out. Adults usually send children to punitive time-out with the admonition to “think about what you did!” What a silly thing to say. Punitive time-out is not effective because children are not “thinking about what they did!” Again, they are thinking about how to get even, how to avoid detection, or that they are “bad.” On the other hand, positive time-out is based on an understanding of the brain and of human nature—that children (people) do better when they feel better. Positive time-out is a pleasant place designed (by or with children) to help them self-sooth and/or to calm down with help—a parent or teacher going to their “feel good” place with them until they can access the rational part of their brains. In the last sentence positive time-out was called a “feel good” place. The reason for this is that it is important to allow children to give the positive time-out area (that they have helped design), a different name. Some have called their positive time-out area a “feel good place,” a “calm down spot,” or “sparkles” (children can be very creative). One preschool class decided to call their positive time-out area “space.” The teacher brought dark blue netting and hung it from the ceiling in a corner. The children colored planets and stars that were hung from the ceiling. Their “space” was also filled with a comfortable beanbag, stuffed animals, and books. The children decided that when they needed to go into “space” they would walk in “slow motion” as though they were walking in space. An important part of positive time-out is to allow children to “choose” it. “Would it help you to go to our “feel good place.” In a flipped lid state, some may be too irrational to choose it. Then you might ask, “Would you like me to go with you?” Some will find this comforting enough to start the calming process and will feel relived to have you go with them. Others will still say no (or simply continue their tantrum). At this point you might say, “Okay, I’m going to my feel good place, come join me if you feel like it.” Going to your own positive time-out may serve as a great model for children. Watching you go may serve as a shock to the amygdala that will start the soothing process—and inspire children to follow you. Others simply may need time to “feel their feelings” without being rescued or “fixed.” Standing nearby and offering “energetic” support may be the kind of positive time-out that is needed by some children.
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Dr. Jane Nelsen is the mother of seven children and grandmother to 20 grandchildren. She is also a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Therapist. Visit her on: PositiveDiscipline.com itunes.apple.com/in/app/positive-discipline/id363488035?mt=8"target="_blank">Get the Positive Discipline iPhone App! Get the Positive Discipline iPhone App!