It is well known in the field of psychology that if you ask a married couple to recount their fondest memories together, more often than not they will tell you of a time when they had very little and were struggling to build a life together. Usually they will laugh and tell you something like when they used a cardboard box for a table – but had each other. It becomes clear that what stands out in these memories are the relationships – not the things that they had. It was not the end point that was important – but the process. Ask an adult about the fondest childhood memories that he or she has, and you will find a similar and more revealing response. Although the individual circumstances will dictate a wide variety of answers, the trend will be clear. It was sitting around the Christmas tree with the family on Christmas morning that will be remembered – not the gift that was received. It was the quiet times spent fishing and talking with Dad – not the fish that was caught. It was being read to by Mom – and maybe talking and laughing about the story – not the book. It was the walks together or maybe the camping trips - and the times spent talking because there was nothing else to do – not where you were or what you saw. It was the games you played together with your family – not how much the game cost or what it was. It was these things that became the fond memories of childhood. As I have mentioned, our fondest childhood memories are usually those that centered on family involvement – often when we were the poorest financially. Think about it for a moment. Think about your fondest memories when you were a young child. What were they? Chances are they were something you did with your family. The money or the gifts that may have been involved are not what you typically remember the most. As adults, our focus begins to shift to other priorities such as careers, money, and of course having more and better “things”. If we are not careful, these pursuits will take us away from the most important thing for our children – quality time talking and being with us. Notice the word “talking” in that last sentence. Now I am certainly not suggesting that it is wrong somehow to pursue a career and money and the acquisition of things. I am however criticizing these things when they are focused upon to the exclusion of all of the things that are important to the child. The newspapers are full of stories about children who were born into fabulous wealth and privilege – who grew up into dysfunctional adults. The important things for a child were missing. Parenting should never be a spectator sport. The current difficult economic times has many parents struggling over how to manage their time and how that will affect their children. There are many families that are going to be forced this year to financially choose between food, mortgage payments, prescriptions, gasoline, heating their homes, and perhaps taking a second job. Although everyone is affected, the elderly, the parents that have been recently laid-off, single parents, and the poorer families, are being hit particularly hard. While I certainly do not mean to minimize the pain and difficulties that these difficult times may bring, I am suggesting that it can present opportunities to recapture some of our disappearing family traditions and values. As readers of my articles well know, I am a strong believer that the best gift a parent can ever give their child – is simply themselves. “Doing with” will always be more meaningful to a child than simply “buying for.” An inexpensive children’s book makes a wonderful gift that can last over time. I am talking about a book that you read together with your child. One that has content designed so that you can easily discuss the stories with the child. My recent Seamus the Sheltie book series was written specifically with these goals in mind. Remember that there are many wonderful children’s books that can also be checked out free from your local library. Don’t forget that if your situation does not allow for buying a book or easily visiting a library, make up your own stories! My grandfather did this with me when I was a child and those times and stories are still among my fondest childhood memories. I often think about those times that we spent together reading, laughing, talking, and just being together. Remember, it is the process – not the goal – that is truly important. About The Author James is a retired Masters level Child Psychologist and Internationally Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor who has worked with distressed families for 40 years. He is the author of the Seamus the Sheltie series of children’s books that were designed to assist parents in discussing difficult issues with younger children. Both books have received multiple national awards from parenting organizations. Mr. Beverly has written and published articles on parenting in a variety of media.
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