Birds come home to roost at the end of the day. And elderly parents may come home to adult children who really have no reason to want them there. Everyday, adult children are faced with the dilemma of this particular family crisis. Daddy was found on the streets of San Diego where he'd been living for who knows how long. In hospital, he dried out from years of alcohol abuse. Now he needs a home. Should it be yours? That mother who left you when you were eight, to run away to Florida with the handsome young house painter. She's old now. Maybe she has dementia, maybe not. No-one is sure yet. But social services got in touch with you, even though you hadn't seen each other for thirty two years. Do you have to take her in? There's certainly no legal, moral or rational reason why any adult child should take in a derelict, abusive, abandoning parent who simply got too old to manage. No-one can make you. However, interestingly enough, people do take in those lost, mentally ill, addicted and just plain darn mean parents who they might not have seen for years. Of course, you can say they do it because they still have issues they want to sort out, and nothing wrong with that. And really, as we all intuitively know, there is a profound link between child and parent, whatever intervened. If that weren't true, human life would be modeled on bee colonies, or the lives of whales. Instead, our archetype of family is still father, mother, child. That doesn't mean children can't do well with two mothers who love them, divorced parents who love them, grandparents who love them. We can successfully expand archetypes. But it does mean there is still profound linkage emotionally between parent and child, whatever the expressed emotions may have been. That will certainly be playing out in the life of the child. Little wonder then that adult children will take on even satisfactory parents in old age. They don't necessarily have to take them into their own home. Taking care of someone may well mean finding them the care they need to have. Honoring your father and your mother can appropriately consist of getting them a great assisted living, suitable for their needs. That said, I am always humbled and amazed by the adult children who take in troublesome mothers, runaway fathers, abusive parents no longer addicted to alcohol and drugs. Why? Why would they subject themselves to this? Because, as in all demanding difficult situations, the possibility for emotional, spiritual and psychological growth are huge. We human beings return to the root of our wounding to find how we may heal. And that is why adult children turn up for that difficult parent. I have a friend who has taken in her feckless wandering father in his extreme old age. And she says she would not have missed this for anything. That is is a great healing for her. He's still kind of feckless and charming and she sees that nothing that happened to her was meant to hurt. He's just all about himself, always was, always will be. He didn't reject her, she now understands, he just ran off to have fun elsewhere. Another friend has put her mean-spirited difficult mother into a really splendid assisted living. She would never have her in her home. "I'm doing the best I can for her and that's to spend my money on her." In the meantime, she continues to pursue peace through therapy, also with an expensive therapist. As I see it, she's investing in her healing. Emotionally wounded children often become the best caregivers. The whole profession of caregiving is filled with them. People seeking to redress the difficulties and pain of their childhood with taking care of others. I know that from my own life. My family were filled with broken devastated people, including my parents. When I came to the USA, after 15 years of working a travel journalist in Asia, I had no idea I would ever become enchanted with caregiving of elders. But I did. And it has brought immense healing and reconciliation into my own heart. So I know when a caregiver tells me how much she has gained from being able to forgive her own addicted mother as she cared her into her death, I know it's true. And that, friends, is why we do it. Because instead of holding onto pain, we extend into forgiveness and grow our hearts and spirits. Instead of remaining the terrorized children we once were, we become people strong enough to walk all the way to the gates of death with another human being. We look death in face, we look old age in the face and we know that all of that is nothing beside what we once survived. But we would never have known all that, it would never have become clear to us, had we not taken on the two greatest fears of people in America -- aging and death. Two of the greatest teachers.
Article Source: http://www.bizymoms.com/expert-advice
A hands-on Alzheimer's caregiver, Frena Gray-Davidson is the author of five caregiving books, including her latest book Alzheimer's 911: Hope, Help and Healing for Caregivers She is a support group facilitator & presents workshops all over the world on understanding dementia communications. Email your suggestions for columns to frenagd@gmail.com