Children need clear boundaries and to understand that causing more and more fuss does not move any particular boundary. The main priority in making these boundaries has to be the safety of the child. With our children, at any age, we had few ‘boundaries’ and no petty rules, but expected that when we said ‘no’ it meant ‘no’, we gave respect and honesty and expected the same should be returned. Sometimes this involved a difficult lesson. Now, let me say I am on the side of children. They need to be able to say what they would like, what they want to wear or eat etc. But, they also need to be given explanations when what they want is either not possible or would not be in their best interests. If this ‘regime’ is started at an early age, not with lectures in great detail, but with simple explanations, then that becomes accepted as the norm. But, I have to stress that the answers have to be honest and not just given for the benefit of a parent who can’t be bothered. Consistency is important, so that a ‘no’ for a reason one day is valid, in the same context, another day. Whatever the reason for a parent’s decision, all should be explained in the context of the child’s understanding. When children grow into teenagers, I believe the same interest, concern, understanding and boundaries are necessary, but that will be another ‘article’. Negotiation and understanding will be accepted without fuss, even if sometimes a little disappointment, if the child/parent relationship is based on love and honesty. How many times do you go round a supermarket and hear children yelling and hearing ‘no, you cannot have sweets/crisps now’? The child continues to yell until you see him/her, after a few minutes, happily eating the sweets/crisps. In other words, the unconscious meaning of ‘no’ to the child becomes ‘just continue making a fuss and ‘no’ will soon be ‘yes’. Is it any wonder that parents become stressed? The child’s bad behaviour is being rewarded. This interaction only encourages that type of behaviour to either continue or become the ‘norm’ or occur more frequently. The other aspect of this is that children should be obedient when a parent says ‘no’ - for a more important reason. It may just be a life saving situation. I wasn’t the perfect Mum. No one can be and I may, with hindsight have acted differently occasionally. I made mistakes like the rest of us, but one thing I didn’t try to do was to be popular with my children. I loved them and I behaved to them through that love, giving my time and effort freely and willingly. But, I wasn’t a mum to be a popular person. I was a mum to keep my children, not only happy and healthy but safe. My grandchildren, who I adore, know this too. Let me illustrate what I mean with a short true story. I used to take my two small children swimming each week. We all loved it, but one day, after a long play and swim, my little boy, aged about 4 yrs, decided, as children will, to ignore my request to leave the pool. I asked him a few times until, eventually, when he was ‘ready’ he climbed out. Now, he was a child who I found difficulty being cross with as his big brown eyes and smile simply melted my soul and I could not bear to see his eyes fill with quiet tears. But this day I was tired, and I told him, in calm and quiet words which he could understand, that his behaviour was not acceptable and that he would not come swimming with us again until he had learned to do as I told him. I don’t think he believed me, as the next time we were going swimming he collected his trunks and a towel and came to join us. I said that he had not yet shown me, during the activities of the week, that he had learned his lesson, so he could not come. He was very upset and asked his Dad to tell me to take him with me. His Dad, knowing what had happened, said ‘no, not until you can do as Mummy tells you’. He made a greater fuss, but he loved being with his Dad, so it wasn’t ‘punishment’, just being denied his ‘swimming fun’. Needless to say, my daughter and I did not enjoy our swim as much without him and it was, by mutual agreement, not a long session that week. The following week, I said that it was time to go swimming. My son came up to me and asked if he could go swimming this week. I asked him if he would do as I asked and would he get out of the water when it was time. He said ‘yes’. So, he went and no more was said about it. He had learned that ‘no’ means ‘no’ and he never forgot. As you can see, neither did I. I think that lesson was harder for me than for him! But, after that I would simply call their names and beckon them, and they would both jump out without any further to do. Other mums would remark how ‘good your children are’, but it was not without making difficult decisions. A few weeks later we went with a friend and her children to a picnic in the countryside. It was a well known and safe beauty spot and one of our favourites. The children were all playing in the shallow stream very near to where we were sitting watching, when we adults heard a roar. We could see nothing amiss, but the roar was enough to alert us to danger. In my book called ‘Growing Up’ for 7-13 yrs old children, this incident is one of the metaphorical stories I have used to illustrate to children the need for obedience. The book can be purchased on my website (see resource box) and is presented on and can be bought via bizymoms.com site bookshelf. Suffice to say that my children, despite being engrossed in very enjoyable play, obediently and immediately responded to my shout and answered the call to ‘run’, followed by their friends and finally by us, the mums. We were all safe (just in time) from a bull which had broken loose and was wandering , dangerous and free, and who decided, in no uncertain manner, that we should not be in 'his' territory! Now, I have often wondered whether that picnic would have ended in disaster if my son had not learned the lesson of obedience in the way that he did. Maybe I wouldn’t be writing this now! Being a mum took a lot of time and effort, a modicum of worry, and much thought, and difficult decisions. Yet guiding them, I believe, was the most rewarding and important ‘work’ I have ever done in my life. I felt very privileged to have my children and that looking after them was a task too important to give to anyone else, other than, for a short time and out of necessity, when it was shared with my own parents. I have subsequently followed a successful career - fitting in with school hours - with enthusiasm, interest and diligence, but nothing compares in my mind - in any dimension I can think of, to spending as much time as possible with my children. The years pass by so quickly, and cannot be relived other than in memory. My reasons for writing are mainly on behalf children and teenagers, but I also write for Mums. I do not criticise another’s decisions, made for whatever reasons, but if I can offer any advice, it is this: – ‘Please, for your sakes and that of your children, try to organise your lives so that you can maximise on the ‘impossible to repeat or return to’ years with your children. Prioritise for essentials and maybe ‘a bit more’. If you are want to have what could be called the ‘frills’ of life, then these may be able to follow later. Copyright©A Coatesworth 2010 Author of 'Growing Up', 'Coping with Illness and Grief' and 'Beyond Mercy'
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Dr Audrey Coatesworth practised as a psychiatrist for 35 years until her retirement 4 yrs ago. She now writes, using her experience and knowledge. Her poetry books, Growing Up and Coping with Illness and Grief are for 7-13 yrs olds, Choice for Teenagers is a book of poetry for teenagers, Her adult poetry books are Daily Life, From Darkness to Light, and A Spiritual Journey. All can be bought from www.audreycoatesworth.com More about her book 'Beyond Mercy' is on www.buybeyondmercybook.com