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How To Exploit Children

By Rick Crandall

Create future family stories.

I was surprised to learn that other parents also told their kids that as children they had walked to school—uphill—both ways—through the snow. (Maybe I’m not that creative.)

Be creative in exploiting your children so they can have great stories of exploitation and suffering to tell their children. Make your children write with a pencil instead of a computer, or force them to look up things in a heavy encyclopedia book set instead of on a CD-ROM.

Life is so tough on the young! But remakes of the Cinderella story will continue to be made into movies for extra income potential for your young exploited writer.

Temporary help agency

Have you noticed that your kids are always much better behaved when they visit at other people’s houses? This is so others won’t believe you when you try for sympathy about how difficult your children are! Instead, take advantage of their tendency to behave for others by sending them out as neighborhood gardeners, baby sitters, pet walkers - all the things they won’t do at home. You get 50% for arranging the jobs, just like any temp agency!

Assembly/de-assembly work.

In our publishing company, lots of books need taking apart for reprints of single chapters. Then they’re reassembled with covers. If you own a manufacturing company, train them young. At home, they can at least open mail and sort out the junk (depending on age). I find it particularly ironic when, as I write this, the kids are doing reprints for us while watching a movie like Matilda about a child abusing her parents (who did deserve it)!

Leafleting and mailings.

If you have a business or are looking for a job, kids can be paid a penny for each flyer posted, or envelope stuffed. The very young ones like to be involved in the family business. The older ones build patience with boring manual labor for their later career options!

Copyrighted, from a December 1998 book, "How to Exploit Your Children for Fun and Profit," by Rick Crandall. Free shipping for prepublication orders ($10); or ask for a free marketing newsletter;

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